Friday, March 24, 2006
You know you live in Arkansas if...
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
* You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
* Your neighbors think you're a detective because a Deputy always brings you home.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
* You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 80mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
* Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
* There are 13 dogs under the front porch and you have papers for one.
* A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
* Your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.
* Your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!
* You have ever been shot at by the law.
* You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
* Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
* You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
* You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
* You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
* You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
* You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
* You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
* You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk. * Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
* The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
* You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
* You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
* You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
* Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
* You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
* You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
* You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
* You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
* The strongest smell in your house is butane.
* Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
* You think paprika is a Third World country.
* You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
* None of your shirts cover your stomach.
* You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
* Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
*Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
* Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."
* You judge a trips' drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
* Your home has more miles on it than your car.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
* You think the stock market has a fence around it.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
* You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
* You own a homemade fur coat.
* Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
* You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
* Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
* Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
* You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
* You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
* Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
* You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
* You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
* You clean your fingernails with a stick.
* Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
* You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
* Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
* You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
* There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
* The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
* You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
* You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
* You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
* The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
* You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
* You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
* You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
* You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
* You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
* You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
* You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
* Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
* You own a denim leisure suit.
* Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
* The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
* You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
* You cut your toenails in front of company.
* You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
* You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
* You call your boss "dude."
* You have grease under your toenails.
* You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
* You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
* The primary color of your car is "bondo."
* You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
* The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
* The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
* You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
* The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h**l are you looking at, S**thead?"
* You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
* You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
* You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
* You've been too drunk to fish.
* You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
* You ever used a weedeater indoors.
* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
* You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
* Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
* You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
* You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
* You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
* Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it!"
* You mow your lawn and find a car.
* If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
* You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
* You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
* You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
* The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
* When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
* You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
* Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
* Your huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
* Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
*It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
* You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
* The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
* When you see a sign that says, "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
* The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
* You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
* You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
* You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
* Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
* You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
* In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
* You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball..."
* Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
* You can belch and say your name at the same time.
* You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
* You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
* You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
* You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
* Your bike has a gun rack on it.
* The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
* Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
* You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
* You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
* Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
* After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
* You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
* Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!"
* Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
* You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome."
* Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
* You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
* The family business needs a lookout.
* You've painted a car with house paint.
* You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
* Your mama can back down a biker.
* You ever named a child after a dog.
* Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
* Your sister's education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
* You walk your dog and you both use the same tree down on the corner.
* A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
* A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
* All of your four letter words are two syllables.
* Birds are attracted to your beard.
* Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
* Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
* Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
*Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
* People hear your car a long time before they see it.
* The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
* Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
* You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
* Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
* On Sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not.
* When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your mother has gotten into a fist fight at a high school sports event.
* Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
* You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
* The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
* Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
* Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a$$.
* You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
* You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
* Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
* You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
* You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
* You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
* You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
* Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6."
* You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
* The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.
Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".
You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.
You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.
You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening in the lube rack.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your front porch collapses and kill more than three dogs.
You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.
You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.
You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.
You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______."
Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.
You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.
Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.
You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."
You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."
You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."
Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."
Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."
Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil wargeneral.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny andcousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy sizebottle of ketchup.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are"Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have thoseYosemite Sam mudflaps.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a goodtime call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgiaon My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the4-H Fair.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You ever made change in the offering plate.
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the leftarm below the shirt sleeve. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of abaseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You'd rather catch bass than get some
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
You ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend yoursister's honor.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on herhouse.
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day ('cause you believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your pool, especially if know you catch something!
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gasin the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the`Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmetitem.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.(Clinton true-life story) You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with AlanJackson.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a K-mart parkinglot.
You wear your ball cap when you eat in a restaurant.
You ever ate roadkill for dinner.
You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the driveway when you come home.
You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
You painted racing flames on the John Deere.
Any family discussion of chicken and dumplings turns to Aunt Edna'scooking and ends with a few moments of respectful silence.
People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your frontlawn.
You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.
You are known for your homemade squash wine.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks alot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You wrote in Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have to digthrough the floorboard of your GTO.
The Health Inspector visits your mothers restaurant and asks to see the body fluid clean up kit, and she points at the dog.
Your name is Junior, Junior.
You have more tattoos than teeth.
The only tailored items in your wardrobe are your bowling ball and your bedsheet.
You know how many bales of hay your car holds.
You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You call your sister, "Dear."
A man asks your wife to dance and she takes off her clothes and dances on the table.
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith empty beer bottles.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Anything outside the lower 48 is "overseas."
During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your john deere hatfell off.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head in the car window.
Someone asks, "where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "she's at home with the kids."
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
Your face looks like it just been run over by a car wash.
Your dog has fleas on the inside of its ears.
The clock in your kitchen reads the time backwards.
Roses smell like their drunk.
Your house gets up and runs away.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You're afraid to wash your car because it may stop running.
One or more gears in your car don't work.
There are enough empty beer cans in your truck that if you turned them all in, you could buy another six-pack.
Your yard contains engine parts to more than one vehicle.+255. Your idea of a nice dinner is McDonald's.
You have two or more sets of bald tires.
You have a "Brahma Bull" sticker or horse hood ornament.
There are two or more unfilled warrants for your arrest.
Your car has been towed more than twice as an abandoned vehicle.
You only have pants with a boot cut.
There have been two or more failed repossession attempts on your car.
You cash your checks at the local liquor store.+264. There have been multiple attempts to repossess various appliances.
You driver's license has been revoked more than once for DUI.
The purple tint on your windows has bubbles.
You think Hawaii is not part of the U.S.
You think the best beer is brewed in Milwaukee.
You routinely buy beer for less than $2 a six-pack.
Your idea of a real sport is the tractor pull. (or a Mud Bog,usually spelled Mudd Bogg)
You have one or more rolled vehicles (running or not) in your possession.
Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.
All the back pockets in your pants have circular holes.
You can't remember the last time you shaved.
You can't remember the last time your wife shaved, either.
You kill dinner yourself two or more times a week.
You have scavenged car parts off of other cars parked by the side of the road (abandoned or not).
You buy oil by the case because you have to.
You buy a case or more of oil a month.
You need a ladder to climb into your four wheel drive.
The pigs try to keep up wind of you.
Oil has been struck in your pillow.
You and your wife have matching His & Hers tobacco pouches.
People accuse you of lying through your tooth.
You think if given the chance, YOU'D be able to pick off that d**n Energizer Bunny.
When Sears eliminated their catalog you were forced to start buyingtoilet paper.
You think Proszac is a sports guy.
Your secret chick pick-up spot is hanging around the 36-D cup rack atVictoria's Secret in the mall. (or...If you read this and think,"Hey, yeah, what a great idea!")
You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the truck tires the second time it won't start.
The house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You think "No Nonsense Panty Hose" means they're crotchless.
Before the November election a polster asked you, "What do you think of the issues?" And you replied, "Well, I liked 'em all, but Miss May had the best bazooms."
You've ever had to bum chewing tobacco from your wife.
The NRA won't even set foot in your yard.
Going to get a shine means coming back with a jug.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
* You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
* Your neighbors think you're a detective because a Deputy always brings you home.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
* You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 80mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
* Breakfast consists of boiled eggs, can of Beenie Weenies, a couple saltine crackers and a 6 pack of Budweiser, because you like the smell it creates after completing the digestive cycle.
* There are 13 dogs under the front porch and you have papers for one.
* A museum curator tries to buy 7 of the vehicles on blocks in your yard.
* Your Momma knows how to make Roadkill stew.
* Your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!
* You have ever been shot at by the law.
* You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
* Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
* You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
* You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
* You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
* You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
* You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
* You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
* You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk. * Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
* The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
* You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
* You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
* You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
* Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
* You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
* You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
* You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
* You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
* The strongest smell in your house is butane.
* Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
* You think paprika is a Third World country.
* You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
* None of your shirts cover your stomach.
* You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
* Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
*Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
* Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."
* You judge a trips' drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
* Your home has more miles on it than your car.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
* You think the stock market has a fence around it.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
* You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
* You own a homemade fur coat.
* Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
* You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
* Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
* Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
* You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
* You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
* Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
* You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
* You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
* You clean your fingernails with a stick.
* Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
* You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
* Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
* You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
* There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
* The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
* You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
* You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
* You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
* The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
* You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
* You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
* You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
* You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
* You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
* You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
* You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
* Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
* You own a denim leisure suit.
* Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
* The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
* You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
* You cut your toenails in front of company.
* You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
* You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
* You call your boss "dude."
* You have grease under your toenails.
* You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
* You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
* The primary color of your car is "bondo."
* You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
* The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
* The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
* Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
* You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
* You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
* The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h**l are you looking at, S**thead?"
* You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
* You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
* You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
* You've been too drunk to fish.
* You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
* You ever used a weedeater indoors.
* You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
* You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
* Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
* You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
* You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
* You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
* Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it!"
* You mow your lawn and find a car.
* If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
* You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
* You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
* You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
* The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
* When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
* You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
* Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
* Your huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
* Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
*It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
* You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
* The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
* When you see a sign that says, "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
* The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
* You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
* You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
* You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
* Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
* You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
* In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
* You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball..."
* Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
* You can belch and say your name at the same time.
* You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
* You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
* You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
* You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
* Your bike has a gun rack on it.
* The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
* Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
* You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
* You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
* Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
* After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
* You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
* Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!"
* Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
* You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome."
* Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
* You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
* The family business needs a lookout.
* You've painted a car with house paint.
* You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
* Your mama can back down a biker.
* You ever named a child after a dog.
* Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
* Your sister's education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
* You walk your dog and you both use the same tree down on the corner.
* A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
* A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
* All of your four letter words are two syllables.
* Birds are attracted to your beard.
* Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
* Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
* Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
*Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
* People hear your car a long time before they see it.
* The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
* Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
* You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
* Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
* On Sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not.
* When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your mother has gotten into a fist fight at a high school sports event.
* Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
* You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
* The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
* Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
* Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a$$.
* You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
* You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
* Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
* You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
* You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
* You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
* You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
* Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6."
* You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
* The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.
Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".
You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.
You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.
You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening in the lube rack.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your front porch collapses and kill more than three dogs.
You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.
You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.
You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.
You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______."
Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.
You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.
Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.
You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."
You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."
You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."
Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."
Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."
Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil wargeneral.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny andcousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy sizebottle of ketchup.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are"Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have thoseYosemite Sam mudflaps.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a goodtime call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgiaon My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the4-H Fair.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You ever made change in the offering plate.
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the leftarm below the shirt sleeve. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of abaseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You'd rather catch bass than get some
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
You ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend yoursister's honor.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on herhouse.
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day ('cause you believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your pool, especially if know you catch something!
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gasin the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the`Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmetitem.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.(Clinton true-life story) You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with AlanJackson.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a K-mart parkinglot.
You wear your ball cap when you eat in a restaurant.
You ever ate roadkill for dinner.
You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the driveway when you come home.
You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
You painted racing flames on the John Deere.
Any family discussion of chicken and dumplings turns to Aunt Edna'scooking and ends with a few moments of respectful silence.
People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your frontlawn.
You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.
You are known for your homemade squash wine.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks alot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You wrote in Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have to digthrough the floorboard of your GTO.
The Health Inspector visits your mothers restaurant and asks to see the body fluid clean up kit, and she points at the dog.
Your name is Junior, Junior.
You have more tattoos than teeth.
The only tailored items in your wardrobe are your bowling ball and your bedsheet.
You know how many bales of hay your car holds.
You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You call your sister, "Dear."
A man asks your wife to dance and she takes off her clothes and dances on the table.
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith empty beer bottles.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Anything outside the lower 48 is "overseas."
During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your john deere hatfell off.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head in the car window.
Someone asks, "where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "she's at home with the kids."
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
Your face looks like it just been run over by a car wash.
Your dog has fleas on the inside of its ears.
The clock in your kitchen reads the time backwards.
Roses smell like their drunk.
Your house gets up and runs away.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You're afraid to wash your car because it may stop running.
One or more gears in your car don't work.
There are enough empty beer cans in your truck that if you turned them all in, you could buy another six-pack.
Your yard contains engine parts to more than one vehicle.+255. Your idea of a nice dinner is McDonald's.
You have two or more sets of bald tires.
You have a "Brahma Bull" sticker or horse hood ornament.
There are two or more unfilled warrants for your arrest.
Your car has been towed more than twice as an abandoned vehicle.
You only have pants with a boot cut.
There have been two or more failed repossession attempts on your car.
You cash your checks at the local liquor store.+264. There have been multiple attempts to repossess various appliances.
You driver's license has been revoked more than once for DUI.
The purple tint on your windows has bubbles.
You think Hawaii is not part of the U.S.
You think the best beer is brewed in Milwaukee.
You routinely buy beer for less than $2 a six-pack.
Your idea of a real sport is the tractor pull. (or a Mud Bog,usually spelled Mudd Bogg)
You have one or more rolled vehicles (running or not) in your possession.
Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.
All the back pockets in your pants have circular holes.
You can't remember the last time you shaved.
You can't remember the last time your wife shaved, either.
You kill dinner yourself two or more times a week.
You have scavenged car parts off of other cars parked by the side of the road (abandoned or not).
You buy oil by the case because you have to.
You buy a case or more of oil a month.
You need a ladder to climb into your four wheel drive.
The pigs try to keep up wind of you.
Oil has been struck in your pillow.
You and your wife have matching His & Hers tobacco pouches.
People accuse you of lying through your tooth.
You think if given the chance, YOU'D be able to pick off that d**n Energizer Bunny.
When Sears eliminated their catalog you were forced to start buyingtoilet paper.
You think Proszac is a sports guy.
Your secret chick pick-up spot is hanging around the 36-D cup rack atVictoria's Secret in the mall. (or...If you read this and think,"Hey, yeah, what a great idea!")
You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the truck tires the second time it won't start.
The house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You think "No Nonsense Panty Hose" means they're crotchless.
Before the November election a polster asked you, "What do you think of the issues?" And you replied, "Well, I liked 'em all, but Miss May had the best bazooms."
You've ever had to bum chewing tobacco from your wife.
The NRA won't even set foot in your yard.
Going to get a shine means coming back with a jug.
